OC #136: cannot not

don't ask me to explain ever again.

being the 
ultimate finesser 
implies the use of
patience, 
with patience 

but, i guess 
i have never been 
the finesser after all

for there are 
days when 
i cannot not

complete mundane tasks
read long articles
contemplate about finances
without being overwhelmed by them

i cannot not
sing songs
listen to you crib
spend that extra khoka
despite the crushing debt


there are times, 
when i cannot not
send double texts 

forgive me miss 
but i cannot not 
message you. 

it's not that 
i find myself
having already

called you
messaged you
talked about you
lost in thoughts, about you 

it's not
that i can't
help myself
 
no
it's that i 
cannot not. 


and madam,
this is risky. 

i don't like it. 
i don't approve it. 
i will not fall for it.  

but
then again,
i wake up,
have my tea 
build stuff

and find myself
at cross roads 
with things i want 
to text you about.

let's get
one thing clear,

i am not 
a texting personality 
an over communicator
someone who'd tell you 
the minutest details


no, 
but i have spent
enough time
on crossroads

choosing left 
(which felt right)
restricting myself 
(which felt free)
acting cool
(which felt hot)

and now, 
i'd much rather
just be 
right
free
hot।

so when
i don't

text you 
call you 
miss you

talk about you 
ponder about you
imagine about you

you don't
exist for me.


but
here we are 
and i 

cannot not talk to you 
cannot not smile at your pictures 
cannot not be surprised by your questions 
cannot not hide in plain sight anymore 


and i
cannot not be 

absorbed
hooked
tuned-in
enthralled
wide-eyed
spellbound

by
you.

for 
one can't beat time 
and sometimes 
not moving 
is for the best

and yet 
sometimes 
going ahead 
with full steam 
even if for a few days 

is enough 
for a lifetime
i guess.

and 
i hope you 
cannot not too. 

but then again
if you can not...

don't worry 
darling

for in the

impulsive oceans
pristine territories
shadowy dungeons
icy smiles
tossed ideas 
abashed nods

depths of jungles
amidst the ocean
starved of resource

i'm home. 

and so 
in your 

assured certainty of oceans
thriving lands in territories
hopeful lights in the dungeons 
affectionate smiles 
receptive minds
vibrant growth 
abundant resources

i can find
my solace, 

but if you 
can not,  

if even
for once
i can not,

i cannot not
walk away
and not come back.

तुझे भरलू अपनी आखों में
इन आखों को मैं खोलूँ ना

घोलूँ अपनी बातो में
फिर इस दुनिया से बोलू ना